King Sol

Welcome to the first edition of my new segment Hot or Not, in which I will comment on cool shit, and not so cool shit. This week’s post has been inspired by my recent trip to the UK.

What’s Hot: Burglaries!

The Grand Scale – Burglaries /10

When was the last time you heard or read about a burglary? Unless you’re deaf, blind and can’t read braille, my guess is fairly recently. Burglaries are always a hot topic in the news. Anywhere from a quick B&E to stealing some old lady’s jewelry, or drug-addicts stealing TVs (a la Trainspotting), to full-on armed robberies where thieves make off with the entire contents of some stately home. AND…burglaries are not limited to your city or town! They are popular all over! In the neighbouring town, other provinces, other countries – hell, all over the world people are taking part in burglaries…and for good reason. That reason is free stuff.

Who doesn’t like free stuff? Not you? Liar.

Sure you may not want all of what you steal (who really needs 8 56″ LCD TVs and 42 PSPs?) but you can sure as heck sell ‘em! Either for the cash to buy your baby’s-momma some new press-on nails and a fly new weave, to lose it in a matter of hours in an evening of inebriated online poker, or you can just trade it straight to your dealer for some fresh supplies. Mmmmm, PSP for PCP – ah the marvels of the modern economic system. To you it’s all profit, less of course the cost of the rental van used to haul the loot, and less the cost of coffee and donuts consumed while staking out the joint. What? You didn’t case the scene beforehand? You just went straight in? That’s certainly risky business, but good thing your wheel-man, Tyrone, is agile as a mouse, swerving from lane to lane all nimbly-bimbly, and got you away from the scene before the coppers could show up.

Now some of you may be morally opposed to stealing, or thieving as I like to call it (it sounds great, classy even, especially with a British accent). In some instances I will not condone stealing. Medical equipment from old people isn’t cool – lighters from stoners is also bad form. Let’s just say I don’t feel sorry for you if you are a) rich, or b) a bad person. If you are either of these you most likely deserve to be stolen from. A kind of Robin Hood-type mentality would do us all a world of good, unless it’s stealing from me, where upon I wish you a slow, eternal kick to the balls.

As far as burglaries go:

Example 1: /5

Footballers get their things stolen – piquante!

Example 2: /5

Boy George didn’t even get burgled, he was just pretending he did – if that’s not hot, I don’t know what is.

Example 3: /5

Jack Sheppard was a pimpin’ 18^thcentury burglar – check it

Point of interest: Cat burglars don’t necessarily steal cats!

Now I’ve learned something!

What’s Not: Terror Plots!

The Grand Scale – Terror Plots /10

Last Tuesday night I made an impromptu, week-long trip to the UK for the passing of my late grandmother. I arrived one day before the public uncovering of the terror-plot which was to be initiated out of UK airports. Engaged with funeral matters, I had not heard anything of it at the time but turning on the news and reading the evening papers (evening papers would be great here!) I soon found out all the details which ultimately could have proved to be catastrophic, to say the least. Through the days leading up to my departure and eventual safe return to Canada, the British media was flooded with all sorts of exaggerated stories, gripping headlines and thought provoking pictures.

In terms of safe places to live in the world, other than some street thugs and jim-bobbed hobos, I would go so far as to say Toronto is a safe place to live. Toronto hasn’t gotten itself into any recent wars, nor does it have a violent beef with anyone. Though the rest of Canada seems to be jealous that we are the capital, and most important part of Canada, they have yet to attack us with physical force, but instead opt for sniping remarks (which in turn bounce off our super- shield of awesomeness and hit them back, reinforcing how sucky they really are). Photos in the papers with armed soldiers in Iraq, or Afghanistan, or Israel don’t fully register until you see armed soldiers patrolling in front of you. Albeit my experience was harmless and happy, but cautious, I must confess I felt quite humbled walking through the security check at Heathrow to see two armed guards standing, well, standing guard. They had the type of mid-level (not a pea-shooter, but not RCP-90) machine gun you’d expect from a Bond video game. I know nothing of guns, but these things could certainly take down someone up to some mischief, and then some. Seeing these soldiers standing poised with their guns, exactly as they appear in the news, made me slightly nervous at first. Then on further contemplation realized that even though all sorts of security precautions, apparent inconveniences, draconian measures were in place, I’d much rather have this state of affairs than that of what might have been August 10, 2006.

If somehow the deaths of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Mischa Barton and others of the like could spark world peace, think about how much better the world would be. I’m smiling already.

Terror plots are SO uncool I will not honour them by citing rated examples on the donut scale.